Love Is Not Permissiveness

My last blog received some very interesting comments. One train of thought seems to be that if we practice the Great Commandment and love God with all our hearts and others as ourselves then we must tolerate any behavior, good or bad, from the person we love. Is this true? The other side of the debate is that it is loving to practice discipline. Is this true?

As I read through the comments it seemed to me as if we need clarity on three things: 1) What is love? 2) The authority of the Bible, and 3) The difference between forgiving and trusting.

1. What is love?

Love is not permissiveness. I love my children too much to allow them to do certain things or to turn my back on self-destructive and selfish behavior. There are people more eloquent than me, like Henry Cloud, James Dobson, and others who have written volumes on the tough side of love and how real love has healthy boundaries.

The bottom line is that "tolerate anything" love is not love at all. It is a slippery slope. Jesus loved all people. This caused him to clear the temple twice, confront the Pharisess multiple times, let the rich young ruler walk away when he was not willing to sell all he had, allow many to turn away and never follow again when he set the requirements of being a disciple at denying self and being ready to die at any moment, etc.

The same Jesus who said we should forgive seventy times seven also said that if our message is not received we should shake the dust from our feet and leave the village and have nothing to do with those who rejected the message. The same Jesus who said, "Judge not" said that we would know a tree by its fruits and we should have nothing to do with bad fruit. The same Jesus who summarized all of the Bible into "Love God" and "Love others", said that he did not come to bring peace, but a sword. It sounds like the real Jesus and real love cannot be confined to easy answers!

The bottom line is that love is very multi-faceted and powerful. We should not reduce it to just being tolerant of any behavior at any cost.

Jesus never moves the boundaries while he loves us. Sin is still sin. He even lets us know that fellowship with him can and will be broken if we persist in known sin. However boundaries are not walls. He always provides a way to return to fellowship with him upon repenting.

2. The Authority of the Bible

We cannot pick and choose what we like and what we don't like from the Bible. All scripture is inspired and authoritative and is given for doctrine, for reproof and for instruction in righteousness. (See 2 Timothy 3:16). We are creating a false dichotomy when we pit one set of scriptural commands against another. If Jesus said "Love one another" and through the inspiration of God, the scriptures say that there is a time to set someone out of the fellowship, then there is no contradiction. In fact the disciplined person is always "shunned" or "set out" in the hope borne of love that they will come to grips with their destructive behavior, repent and seek to be restored.

3. Forgiveness and Trust

It seems to me that there is massive confusion these days on the difference between forgiving someone and trusting them again. They are not the same. Forgiveness should be instant. We are commanded to forgive. It is in our best interests to forgive instantly and let no root of bitterness grow within us. On the other hand once trust is violated it can take a long time to build it back and in some cases it is better if it is never built back.

For instance what if someone were found guilty of molesting a child? They should be forgiven immediately. This is what Jesus commands. It can only be done by us throught he unconditional love and grace of God in us. But, they should never be trusted to be around that child or any other alone again. To allow them to do so would be careless and cruel and would be the most unloving thing that could happen to the child involved. By the way, forgiving does not necessarly mean that they are free from facing legal consequences, but that is another discussion for another blog.

This is an extreme example. In most cases trust can be rebuilt, but it is better and much more healthy to rebuild it slowly over time. To grant trust again too quickly is to invite the same destructive behavior to repeat itself.

The same Jesus who said, "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." (and He did for us) also said, "Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest and repent." (See John 15:13 and Revelation 3:19) The more we become like Jesus the more we will understand how these different sides of love coexist and how love is not complete unless all sides are present.